Summertime

running through the sprinklers. warm nights. sunsets. vegetables in the garden. naps. afternoon thunder storms. boys. dirt in the back yard. dogs.

that's why I love the summertime.

MY BIG BROTHER

My BIG BROTHER turns 30 today!! I am a very proud little sister. I am proud that he follows his dreams, I am proud of the things I learn from him, I am proud of his artwork and all of his many accoplishments. He is absolutely wonderful. I miss him tremendously and hope he has a great birthday. I love you Paho!!

Bedtime

I slip into bed after a long day of work. My shower and blow drying doesn’t seem to faze Gary as he lies soundly sleeping on the right side of the bed. I snuggle all the way over to him leaving my side of the bed empty. He opens up his strong arms and his sturdy hands wrap around me. I kiss his face and melt into sleep. All my worries are gone. I am right where I should be.

July 28th

As I sand my fingertips away with anxiety and sadness that I am 16 days late. Late for my best friends birthday. I feel like the rabbit in Alice in Wonderland. I’m late, I’m late, for a very important date. I feel worse, so I am trying to make a special gift. Something special and unique. Something she will treasure for the rest of her life, but no matter how much I sand and paint and glue it just looks like a silly gift from a 5 year old. I can’t give this to her, I am thinking to my self, what am I going to do? Another day is going to go by and I don’t have anything. I am going to loose my membership as Summer’s BEST FRIEND. Gary herds me to the couch and tells me he will help me figure something out (he is good at making me feel better and making me more calm).

The gift I was making said “You are my sunshine.” I have wanted to make this for her for a long time. This phrase always makes me think of SUMMER. Lot’s of phrases and words do. I guess after 22 years of friendship of BEST friendship there would be a lot of things that remind you of someone… So you would think getting her a gift would not be a challenge. But for some reason this year I did not have my s*%t together (yes I did just write that).

For as long as I can remember Summer and I have been making each other gifts or writing stories and poems about each other. She has always been better at this than me. She is the writer and the creative thinker. I think Paho and Skye drained all the creative juices from my parents before I was made (hence the kindergarten style gift I was attempting this year). I sill have all the things she has made and wrote for me. They are gifts I will treasure for the rest of my life. The most creative thing I remember writing for Summer was…

“we’re like two peas in a pod, like two cherries on a tree…”

That’s it, and then the magic was gone. I had nothing else to write. I think I may have attempted to finish the poem, I don’t remember for sure. But isn’t that how friendships go. The two people bring out the best each other; they give to each other what the other person is lacking. We may not be two peas in a pod or two cherries on a tree anymore. We have evolved into two pretty different women. But we are closer than ever. In all our years of friendship there isn’t a difference that would make our friendship less sincere. I appreciate her kindness, generosity, discipline, and open-mindedness more than ever. I rely on her advice and support.


“You are my sunshine.” I wanted to make this for you, because it’s true. You have always been my sunshine, supporting my every move in every single phase of my life. You are my sunshine, because you can make me laugh so hard I snort. You are my sunshine because when I am around you I can’t help but feel completely comfortable. You are my sunshine because no matter where life takes us the light of our friendship is as strong as the sunshine. You are my sunshine, because even if I gave you my kindergarten-esc sign, you would put it up and truly appreciate it.

Ladies, I'm glad we have come such a long way!

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I am glad not be an above average 1930s wife. I proud to be an evolving woman. I would like to think I am a "very superior" 2000s wife. Let's see how far you have come.

No matter how much you prepare...

No matter how much you prepare the love you feel when you hold your child for the first time, it hits you like volcanic force. When I cradled Canyon in my arms for the first time I was overwhelmed at the amount of love that came pouring into my soul. I knew at that moment I my life would never be the same. And it hasn’t. Although my preparation has paid off in numerous ways, I have been faced with the happy and sad emotions of motherhood that there is no way to prepare for. Being a mother has not been a challenge for me. It is the greatest blessing and most joyful gift I have been given.

When I went back to work full time after I had Canyon he was 3 months old. I left my 3 month old baby with a babysitter!!! I cried, and I felt guilt with volcanic force. Even though Canyon was being left with his Aunt, Grandma, and Dad I felt remorse. Remorse that me, his mother, was not there to protect and provide his every need. Canyon is now 17 months old and I don’t cry every day on my way to work. He shrills with excitement when he gets to see Ashley and Kaydence, can’t wait to rush out the door with my mom, and has developed a relationship with Gary that wouldn’t be possible if I didn’t work.

We do still have our days. Our days when Canyon just needs to be cuddled by me, held by me, protected and cared for by me. And on those days when I have to leave him I consider selling my soul to the Devil just to be with my baby. I spend the entire day on the verge of tears, wondering if he knows how much I love him, wondering if he feels abandoned, wondering if he spends the entire day on the verge of tears because he wants his mama.

Then the next days come when I do get to cuddle him, hold him, protect and care for his every need and I feel less overwhelmed and I feel less guilt and I treasure the entire day. And he treasures the entire day. And I can see that he knows I love him. And I can see that he loves me. And I know everything is going to be alright.

Douglass Family Reunion