No matter how much you prepare the love you feel when you hold your child for the first time, it hits you like volcanic force. When I cradled Canyon in my arms for the first time I was overwhelmed at the amount of love that came pouring into my soul. I knew at that moment I my life would never be the same. And it hasn’t. Although my preparation has paid off in numerous ways, I have been faced with the happy and sad emotions of motherhood that there is no way to prepare for. Being a mother has not been a challenge for me. It is the greatest blessing and most joyful gift I have been given.
When I went back to work full time after I had Canyon he was 3 months old. I left my 3 month old baby with a babysitter!!! I cried, and I felt guilt with volcanic force. Even though Canyon was being left with his Aunt, Grandma, and Dad I felt remorse. Remorse that me, his mother, was not there to protect and provide his every need. Canyon is now 17 months old and I don’t cry every day on my way to work. He shrills with excitement when he gets to see Ashley and Kaydence, can’t wait to rush out the door with my mom, and has developed a relationship with Gary that wouldn’t be possible if I didn’t work.
We do still have our days. Our days when Canyon just needs to be cuddled by me, held by me, protected and cared for by me. And on those days when I have to leave him I consider selling my soul to the Devil just to be with my baby. I spend the entire day on the verge of tears, wondering if he knows how much I love him, wondering if he feels abandoned, wondering if he spends the entire day on the verge of tears because he wants his mama.
Then the next days come when I do get to cuddle him, hold him, protect and care for his every need and I feel less overwhelmed and I feel less guilt and I treasure the entire day. And he treasures the entire day. And I can see that he knows I love him. And I can see that he loves me. And I know everything is going to be alright.
11 years ago
3 comments:
I feel your pain sista- but hey we are doing the best we can right? That is what I tell myself everyday!
I agree, I feel your pain. Even though Gary doesn't think so, I really do love my kids and feel the same guilt that you do when I have to leave them at daycare.
I loved reading this post. I'm glad motherhood has come relatively easy to you and that you find so much happiness in it. Let me tell you, as someone who doesn't have to leave my kids with a babysitter regularly, that if you weren't feeling guilty about working while Canyon's with a sitter you'd likely be feeling guilty about something else. I think that's just how motherhood works. Unfortunately. So at least you're well-paid for your guilt, huh?
Canyon definitely knows who loves him best of all, and probably thinks of himself as the luckiest boy in the whole world--even though you feel bad for having to be away from him. Anyway, I love you!
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